Cuticle

I have given you
my naked thoughts
unadulterated with the poisons
of other people's expectations
I have shown you
exceeding amounts
of what lies beneath these red curls,
in the shadows of my eyes
I have given you
permissions that
others took as liberties
and yet
you want more of who I am
what I give is not enough
you want me to
peel back
layers of flesh and inducements
reveal the parts I save just for myself
the parts that would
bleed
if uncovered,
this thin skin,
a delicate edge
to protect the weak underside.

08. October 2001
Yes, this is from a lifetime ago.

exhaustion

© 2011 Chip Bulgin

Double Sided Sticky Tape

looking through the frame
you see the girl
her gaze
her pose
you know what all is going on

but you miss the other half
because I am pleasing everyone
posing for you
and the one behind me
that you can't see

pulled in both directions
instructed from two mouths
captured by two cameras
I might short circuit and fall over

so I hold up my hands
and step away
take a break for my sanity

sometimes the break lasts longer than I intend

Some lessons are timeless...and some are remedial

these layers keep peeling off,
each husk revealing
another brittle, ambivalent feeling—
the double attraction to
polar opposites
as if every cell is infected
with apathy
and also self-sacrificing affection.
syrup runs through my veins
at a crawling pace
but I waved the white flag months ago
even as I trudged forward
to this dead end.
my greatest intentions couldn’t save me
from my need to destroy everything I want.
now, left here in a mess of collapsed efforts
and burned-out patience
I still haven’t learned
not to pull so hard
peel the unripe
and let nature take its course
while I hold back my own filthy hands.

16 feb 2009

illusion

I am
never running
to chase the next best
but chasing down
something that should be still
I am
easily forgotten
a small particle
of your memory
when you move on to
your true purpose
how many would
recognize my face
my story
my design
if it were in front of them
but can't recall
who that shadow belonged to
how many would
even remember my name
unless we met again
none, I fear
yet there is solace
in anonymity
to reinvent this form
leave behind one more messy event
and deny a memory I wish
would disappear
always on the run
chasing that
which can't be stilled.




from Emergent - Boston

we've come so far so fast

(but it feels like it took forever)