fear

rot in silence
you know when the ghosts creep upon you
and you won’t help yourself escape
I wonder if it will always
take such a toll
turn empathy to apathy
and corrode my will to do anything
but ferment these nasty thoughts
in memories of mistakes

there have been so many beautiful moments
if only I could let them
fill the space in which this
terror now lives
seething and scratching
like nails ripping the already bruised flesh
why am I stuck in this wretched place
instead of allowing
the sunset over the desert
rain and shine in Dublin
the tenderness of a soft touch
the fever of climax
or the taste of his kiss
take over my thoughts

sometimes I fear I am scheduled
to take the hardest path I can find
deliberately choose pain
over pleasure
I might live a beautiful life
full of loving friends
and I’d live it with sadness and apprehension
sometimes I don’t fear it
so much as know it